The UTD Mercury

Issue date: 4/15/07 Section: Features

Media Credit: Jacob Naasz

This edition of Bread and Circuses is a face-off. Our resident Cynic-in-Chief Lee Brown goes up against newcomer and Mercury contributor Jason Levine, the defender of all things Hollywood.

Paris Hilton

Lee: First on our Hit'n'run schedule: Ms. Paris Hilton.

Hers is an entire career based on other people's money and one instance of public fellatio. She is the manifestation of our obsession with celebrity culture. Like a tumor actually protruding from the chest cavity, she is proof positive that we, as a society, are very sick and probably won't make it.

Jason: Paris Hilton's role in society is for those who want to relive their youth. She's like that girl in high school, who never turned in any homework, but dated every member of the football team.

We miss gossiping about that girl behind her back and making awful rumors about her second life as a transvestite butcher. Paris Hilton graciously gave us this gift to relive all of our childhood memories.

Lee: Maybe I'm the weirdo here, but my childhood didn't involve being fantastically rich, or dating the football team.

Celebrities Spouting Political Views

Lee: I'm not so much bothered by the fact that they have opinions, as I am bothered by the fact that they demand to be taken seriously. I'm annoyed that people don't see a tragedy until some celebrity makes it the cause du jour.

Jason: We see celebrities as larger than life - a twisted role model, that tells us what is hip, so we don't have to figure it out for ourselves.

Celebrities can make politics cool again. I know that if P. Diddy doesn't convince me to vote, I appreciate Barbara Streisand taking time out of her busy career to tell me why the government is evil.

Lee: Well, I agree with you here, I would love it if Barbara Streisand took time out of her music career, preferably for the rest of her life.

Jason: Streisand told the world that no matter how big your nose is, you can still succeed in the music business by cultivating a rabid following.

Badly Reviewed Movies that Succeed

Lee: There's a reason Hollywood makes these movies: they know that as long as they put one name-brand star in it, there will be a large class of drooling morons out there who will shell out their cash.

Jason: For every "Pan's Labyrinth," we need a "Norbit" to keep the intelligence scale of Hollywood even. As a college student, I spend most of my day in an intellectual haze, and I appreciate going to a movie where I know the only thinking I'll have to do is wondering, "Where did that dude's car go?"

America is a land of diversity, and that includes diversity of intelligence. Hollywood is catering to all Americans, and that's the Patriotic Thing To Do.

Lee: You've got your proportions wrong. For every "Chinatown" or "Pan's Labyrinth", we get 10 "Norbits" - those are odds I wouldn't bet on, and you're talking to a guy who always draws for an inside straight.

Jason: Hollywood makes what sells, and while amazingly creative, well-written and unnecessarily depressing movies get Oscar buzz, people can't get enough of Eddie Murphy.

Lee: The only reason people eat that tripe is because they've been taught not to expect steak.

Comic Book Hero Movies

Lee: These are so hit-or-miss, I think it depends on the director. Brian Singer is the man, he can do no wrong as far as I'm concerned. He did the "X-Men" as much justice as anyone in Hollywood could. He made Brad Pitt cool when he was still suffering from Pretty Boy Syndrome and he even made Superman believable. The same goes for Tim Burton with Batman.

At the bottom of the barrel we find Affleck as "Daredevil". Ben Affleck should be dropped out of an airplane, butt-naked, with an anvil tied to his neck for what he did to "Daredevil."

Really, Matt Damon and Kevin Smith should join him, only because they're the people responsible for the fact that Affleck's on my cultural radar at all.

Jason: Batman is the Paris Hilton of crime fighting. He comes from a rich family that owns a business, but at night he dresses in flamboyant costumes and attacks the poor.

Kevin Spacey made the new "Superman" movie worth watching, and while I didn't see "Daredevil" (since I figured my money could be spent on better things like fast food and ritual suicide), Ben Affleck makes Matt Damon look respectable - and if that takes a horrible movie to do so, that is a worthy sacrifice to make.

Lee: Okay heathen, you asked for it. Batman and Paris Hilton are the same thing? If you've got problems spending the money on ritual suicide, I would be happy to foot the bill for you.

Batman is a complex, dark character, an archetype of the vengeful hero. In the hands of a good writer/artist (think Frank Miller's "The Dark Knight Returns"), he can be the seed for a powerful, almost mythical storyline. The most you can ask out of Paris Hilton is the occasional nipple slip or leaked sex tape.

And Matt Damon needs Ben Affleck to look respectable like Dick Cheney needs George W. Bush to run the country.

Jason: I still find Paris much more attractive than Batman.

Movie/TV Stars with music albums

Lee: These days, it's hard to tell what category an "actor" fits into, as the pop culture machine (think Disney) "creates" people on a regular basis who have TV shows and albums out at the same time.

Hannah Montana (the daughter of Billie Ray Cyrus, great genetic credibility there), Lindsey Lohan and Hillary Duff - these people are created as fully formed celebrity monsters, with all the pieces in place for a media juggernaut by the time you first hear of them.

They don't so much "come out with albums" as they are packaged ready-made with them for immediate consumption. They're like human Lunchables.

Jason: An actor or actress coming out with a music album reassures the public that these gorgeous people are jacks-of-all-trades, better than you in more than one aspect, and that is why they're making bajillions of dollars while you can't even afford bug spray.

The albums actresses put out or movies that singers act in are simply Hollywood's way of saying that the path for new stars is closed. A small, elite group of attractive people will take care of all our entertainment needs. So now, we have the time to worry about pressing issues, like why Sanjaya hasn't been voted off "American Idol" yet.

Lee: So they're doing us a favor now? I don't think so. These cross-genre stars are just value-added products. They are created specifically to sell commercial time slots and albums based on name recognition alone.

Sure there are exceptions. Maggie Gyllenhaal has a beautiful singing voice and Joaquin Phoenix crooned wonderfully in "Walk the Line" - but it's just a talent they have, they weren't prepackaged and sold to us as an entertainment product.

The fact that some "stars" are and the fact that some people actually buy into it, is what I find so disturbing.

At some point, they cease to be people and become products - and the people watching it are no longer viewing art, they are consuming entertainment.

And so, the debate rages on. Modern entertainment: Healing balm for our everyday troubles? Or pointless distraction created to keep us from actually thinking? Will the debate ever come to a close? We think not.

Do we think debate on the matter is pointless and everyone should just save themselves some trouble and agree with Lee? Absolutely.

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